start again

i could go back to the same place, same feelings
i could definitely try to pull her back from the past
dress like her, eat like her, suffer like her
sit on a bench and drink wine with a friend, like her
but its not what this is all about
maybe it isnt about going back
maybe it isnt about her at all anymore
maybe the person that i was felt such an enormous pain
that she decided to transform into the person that i am now
into me – confused, scared and lost me
and the thing is, i still dont get it
in my memories, she had everything
she had the tools, she had the vision, she had the right attitude
but maybe the pain from now seems more desperate than the pain before
just because i dont remember it clearly
or just because i decided not to look away anymore
i would still like to connect with her
since our last goodbye was surrounded by so much hate
and anger
i didnt know how much i will miss her
it wasnt right to just reject her like that
to tell her that she is the origin of all evil in the world
to tell her that she was the worst thing that happened to me and to others
she was still just a human being, she didnt know any better
and humans do stupid shit when they are in crisis
if i would ever meet her again
i would tell her that im sorry and that i understand her so much better now
and that i forgive her and i want to find a genuine connection
without her there is always this emptiness inside
like a very important piece of me is missing
but no matter what i do
i could never erase her existence completely
she is a part of me
and i am a part of her
in the end, we are the same person
i could dress like her, eat like her, suffer like her
sit on a bench and drink wine with a friend, like her
but she was much more than this
much more that she thought she is
a complex human being with many, many wounds
and many, many dreams, ideas, fears and desires
convincing herself that the only thing that makes her human
is how she creates a new persona on the surface
but she doesnt have to prove herself to anyone
im sorry it took me so long to accept you
im sorry i didnt understand and didnt listen
please, can we start again?

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