Heroin

I was 13 when I first fell in love with a girl
Scared to even point out how pretty she was
Like a secret agent, not dropping any hints
Being aware of my every word, every move, every sentence
Just so she doesnt suspect what I did
What a horrible, horrible thing I did
As if I had any control over it

I was 13 when I first fell in love with a boy
Aware of the power I had over him
Aware of him watching my every word, every move, every sentence
Making it more beautiful, trying to appear cooler than I actually was
Thinking, what a clever thing I did
As if I had any control over it

And then I fell in love again, and again
Like a never ending cycle of butterfly waterfalls
Always flowing through my body
Not being able to speak, to breath, to live
Being addicted to feelings
but not to the person

Maybe thats why I rarely get to feel real connection
Its always about them liking me
Touching me
Wanting me
And me trying to figure out
How to make them play the game

How not to lose access
To their personal space